It goes ding when there's stuff (cleflink) wrote,
It goes ding when there's stuff

Let's get this journal rolling!

My first uploaded fic! Whee!
This piece is a couple of years old, but hopefully people will enjoy it anyway.

Title: Forgive Me These Sins
Fandom: Gundam Wing
Pairing: See if you can tell!
Disclaimer: Totally not mine *sigh*

Worksafe. 2110 words.

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

My last confession was, hell I don’t know. Maybe never. Considering I didn’t think I believed in this stuff, never is probably a good guess. But I’m here now, so I may as well give it a try.

Forgive me Father, I’m falling in love.


Not that love is a bad thing, in general. But mine is.


Love is such a hard word, you know that? It’s taken me a long time to admit it to myself. I never wanted to fall in love. Love is distracting. Love creates weakness. Love hurts. Any fool who believes that he can be happy loving someone in this day and age deserves all the loneliness and pain that he’s leaving himself wide open for. My world is a world at war, there’s no room in it for love. Death and destruction are all I know, all anyone knows. I can handle being alone. But the loneliness that comes from the death of another person is so much harder to bear once you let them into your heart. I don’t want to love if it will only mean hurt when I lose him.


And yes, before You ask, he’s a he. I guess that’s part of why I’m a sinner, since I’m a ‘he’ too. You can tell me it’s not natural. I’ll tell You I know. You can tell me it’s against Your plan for mankind. I can tell you I don’t care. Isn’t Love supposed to be blind? Besides, I’ve committed a much greater sin than falling in love with a boy.


Father, I think I’m in love with my best friend.


 I don’t have many friends. Not really out of conscious choice, friends just don’t fit well into my job description. How I managed to make one of him, of all people, I have no idea. I mean, it’s not as though we really get along that well. I’m actually rather surprised we didn’t kill each other in the first few weeks of our acquaintance, considering how much we got on each other’s nerves. But we were supposed to be allies, which I suppose is the main reason why we tolerated each other. Even now we fight all the time, but something’s different.


We’ve become friends.


When did two headstrong teenagers forced to partner up against a common enemy become something more? Where is the line between comrades and friends? I sure as hell didn’t see it - just realised one day that we had crossed it long before then. And that was okay. Friends can be helpful, and can be trusted to watch your back. It can be kind of nice to have a friend who cares about you when the rest of the world doesn’t seem to give a damn.


But then I began to feel something more.


I’m not even sure what exactly. All I know is that, suddenly, the silliest little things began to matter to me. Like the way his bangs flop in front of his eyes when he reads, or how he likes strawberry jam on his toast. I began to care about his health and whether he ate or not, I even wanted to know what his favourite colour was. Somehow he and his happiness, or whatever you want to call it, have become an integral part of my life. I can no more stop thinking about him than stop breathing and I have no idea how it happened.


If I knew, maybe I could have stopped it.


But I couldn’t help it. I still can’t. And the more time I spend with him, the further into love I fall. I love his expressive eyes and the sound of his voice, even all the habits of his that I can’t stand, but somehow miss when he’s not around. I love his agile, toned body and how he always looks graceful, no matter what he’s doing. I love it when I can coax a genuine smile out of him – not an easy task I can tell you – and the way it lights up his whole face when it happens.


Would I be just as blind as Love if I said that he’s beautiful? Somehow I don’t think so, since it’s the truth. Everyone seems to notice him, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who wishes for something more. But I don’t think anyone loves him quite as much as I do.


Listen to me. Ever since I admitted to myself what I feel, I’ve been acting like a sappy, lovesick fool, at least in my thoughts. Which I guess I am, pathetic as it is. I love him and I now know that my life will never be complete unless he’s in it.


Not that he knows, of course. He’s kind of oblivious to that sort of thing. A good thing, really, since it would be the biggest sin of all if I let him know. I hope he never does. I’ll not gamble his friendship and risk losing him altogether.


I don’t know why I’m telling You all this. I mean, I’m not even sure You’re up there and, even if You are, I don’t think You care much.


Besides, I’ve got much greater sins than this I could bother you with.


Look at me. I’m a soldier, a Gundam pilot, a killer. I have the blood of more people on my hands than I even want to count. I fight and kill on a daily basis and I’m good at what I do. Sure, I may be fighting for something I believe in, for the ‘greater good’, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m willing to make a deal with death in order to bring about that good. I’m not exactly wallowing in self-loathing either. This is just something that I have to do, and You don’t even factor into my equations.


Take right now for instance. The only reason I’m in this church in the first place is because our cover got blown and this was the closest place to hide. I’m sitting here, my gun cocked and ready, waiting until the soldiers give up looking for us and I can continue with my mission. I’m still not sure why I’m even bothering to talk to You, but you’d think that since I’m taking the effort I’d be asking for forgiveness for all the killing I’ve done.


But I’m not. I don’t deserve that kind of forgiveness anyway.


Because I keep on fighting, despite what I’ve become. If my Gundam helps bring about peace then I think it’s worth it, and I’m going to fight to the end to try and bring hope to this world.


Which is why it’s such a sin for me to fall in love. If I want to fulfill my goal I have to remain focused or else people will get hurt. It’s my fault if the mission goes foul or a civilian block gets totalled during an attack because I wasn’t paying attention. If I get killed who will be punished for what I’ve done? The colonies? And what if they need someone else to take up the gauntlet I dropped? How many souls will be destroyed for the sake of the war?


With so much at stake I don’t have time to think about love, or worry about whether he’s okay or not. Right now I should be planning my next move, not talking to You and wondering if he’s alright. And I have no right to worry about him, really. He’s a Gundam pilot too, he can take care of himself. I suppose that it’s another part of his appeal, since he’s someone else who knows what it’s like to suffer and to fight for survival. I think he could understand me if I let him.


Of course I can’t seem to help but worry about him, even though I know he’s bound to be alright. It’s taking an awful lot of self-control right now to keep from going out to find him, just to make sure. Which would really be a bad idea since it would lead the Oz soldiers right to him. It’s no good telling my heart that though, it’s not going to listen. No matter what I do, my thoughts always turn back to him in some form or another.


This love stuff sucks.


How can I do my part for earth and the colonies if my duty comes second to one person’s welfare? If I can’t focus I can’t fight, and getting myself killed is no way to win this war. But I’ll still want to look out for him, even if it jeopardises both of our missions.


I’m a soldier. I can’t afford to love anyone, least of all him, another soldier this war needs. Any new emotions would affect the dynamics of our relationship as fighters as well as people, and I can’t risk us losing that edge. Besides, though I’ve come to terms with the gender issue, I can’t guarantee that he’d want to do the same. I couldn’t handle the pain if he refused me. Losing any hope of his love would hurt, but not as much as losing the best friend I’ve ever had.


Maybe someday, if this war ever ends and we both survive, maybe then I could tell him. Maybe by then I’ll know my own heart better and better understand his. Maybe then I’d believe that You do care, that You want us to be happy.


Or maybe I’ll content myself with his friendship and live with the hope that he might feel the same way. I may be solider, but I don’t think I’m brave enough to lose him.


So I’ll continue playing soldier, doing what I have to do in order to give others the chance to find love, if not myself. Give me the strength to keep from drowning in this love of mine. I don’t want him to know. Not now. Maybe not ever but that’s a long time for things to change in.


Time enough to think of love when the world doesn’t hate it so.


The sudden creak of the heavy wooden door of the church, echoing loudly in the silence, brought an abrupt end to the silent prayers of the young man. His body tensed reflexively, then relaxed as a brown haired boy peered cautiously into the nave.


“Psst!” the slim figure hissed, the low sound clearly audible in the breathless quiet of night. Seeing no one, the boy crept into the church, his long coil of braided hair swinging behind him as he walked. “Hey Heero!” the boy called, his violet eyes darting around the dimly lit nave. “You in here? The coast is clear.”


Locking away his treacherous thoughts, Heero stood and silently pushed open the door to the confessional that he had been hiding in. Duo’s white teeth flashed in the gloom as he smiled at him.


“Praying in there Hee-man? You know you’re supposed to have a priest for that right?”


“As if,” Heero snorted, making his way towards his partner in front of the altar. “How long before the next patrol?”


“Bout 15 minutes,” Duo told him. “Plenty of time to get the data and set the rest of those bombs if we hurry.”


Heero nodded, reloading his pistol with the quick efficiency of a trained fighter. “Can you handle the bombs by yourself?”


Rolling his eyes, Duo looked at his friend with an expression of mock hurt on his face. “Of course I can Heero. Don’t you trust me?”


Blue eyes flickered with a variety of emotions. “Sometimes,” came the flat response.


“I guess that’ll have to do,” Duo sighed. From somewhere among his black stirrup pants Deathscythe’s pilot produced his own handgun and, at Heero’s signal, started back out of the church.


Heero stood for a moment watching Duo’s figure disappear into the gloom outside. His eyes faraway, the Japanese pilot directed one final thought towards the empty church.


Thanks for listening, if You’re out there. Forgive me these sins Father, for I know not what I ought to do. The path I walk is a wicked one, and I accept that. Just help me not to feel too much, else my heart will break for the pain. I am a soldier. That’s all that’s important right now. I will belong to death until the world is at peace…


“Come on Heero! Hurry it up or I’m gonna have all the fun!”


But I pray that Death will always be a part of my life, whatever happens.




¬ Owari

Tags: fandom: gw, pairing: none
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